( sighs dreamily )
( gasps )
( grunting )
( gasps )
( grunting )
Hmm.
Hmm...
I just don't get it.
If a free salad bar doesn't bring in customers,
what will?!
( humming tune )
KRABS: Squidward!
Uh, uh, yes, sir?
There's going to be some changes around here.
( gasps )
A customer!
Welcome to the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob, cater to his every whim,
and don't screw this one up.
Aye, aye, sir!
Welcome aboard, sir.
Here at the Krusty Krab, you are the Captain,
and I am your cabin boy.
You just say the word,
and I will throw myself in the brig.
May I take your order?
All I wanted was change for the pay phone.
Aye, aye, sir!
"Monsieur's changez."
Thanks.
( laughs nervously )
Here you go.
( sniffs )
( cash register rings )
Yeah!
( penny clinks )
As you may have noticed, profits are way down this month.
We need a gimmick to bring in customers.
Do you lubbers have any ideas?
l've got one... a free pair of socks with every purchase.
Uh-uh.
Or maybe Double-Patty Midnight Madness!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I know! I know! I know!
How about Mouthful of Clams Day?
Everyone who shows up with a mouthful of clams
gets a free drink.
Huh? Huh?
Well, uh... I was thinking
more along the lines of live entertainment.
That's it... a floor show!
No, wait, a talent show
with your host... me!
Oh, this is the moment I've...
I mean, we've been dreaming of.
Think of it, Mr. Krabs...
you will be responsible for bringing culture
into this cultural wasteland
we call Bikini Bottom.
( quietly ): And not to mention the money.
The money?
And I can see it now.
Your daughter, Pearl... Her name up in lights.
Little Pearlie... a star?
Hopping clams!
A talent show!
I'm talented!
I'd better call the folks.
Squidward, you've got a deal.
Make my little girl a star.
Hey, Squidward, what time am I going on?
Going on what?
The show!
When am I going on the show?
I have a great act.
What talent could you possibly possess?
( blowing )
( shoes tapping )
Ta-dah!
( yawns )
No one, not even your parents, would want to see that.
What the people want is culture, not dancing bubbles.
Okay, I get it.
Don't worry, Squidward.
l'm going to come up with the most cultured act ever!
( sarcastically ): I can hardly wait.
Phew! The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes.
Ha, ha! Tennis shoes... ha, ha!
I crack myself up.
We are live at the Krusty Krab talent show
featuring the finest talent...
Wow! A full house.
( gasps ): There's Mom and Dad.
They are going to be so proud!
Hello, I'm Mr. Krabs, and I like money.
I got to get ready.
All right, listen up, people, listen up.
Gather around, everyone. Chop chop.
Now, you may be thinking
this is your one shot at the big time.
Well, it's not.
It's mine.
Hey, Squid, how about this for the show?
The amazing Mr. Absorbency!
( sucking water )
Whoa!
Ta-dah!
No one is going to want to see you engorge yourself.
Please, Squidward, let me be in the show.
I'll do anything, anything, anything!
So, you really want to be in the show?
Oh, yes!
Okay, you get to mop up afterwards.
Now, will you stop bugging me?
So, this is what it feels like... the big time.
With this mop, I shape my destiny!
( applause )
( clears throat, microphone feedback whining )
Good evening, and-and welcome
to the first annual Squidward Tentacles talent show,
sponsored by the Krusty Krab,
home of the Krabby Patty
because no one else would give it a home.
( rimshot; Patrick guffawing )
( laughing )
Uh... thank you.
Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well.
( laughing uproariously )
Nepoti...
( laughing )
Ha... thank you.
Put your fins together for...
( laughing )
Put your...
( Patrick laughing )
Put...
( Patrick laughing )
Pearl!
Hooray!
My little girl is finally a star!
Give me a K-r-u... ( stomping )
( audience cries out )
Give me a s-t-y...
( stomping )
( audience cries out )
Krusty Krab!
( stomping )
( audience cries out, glass breaking )
Krusty Krab!
( stomping )
( crying out, glass breaking )
Krusty Krab!
( stomping )
Now, that's what I call talent!
( loud crash )
Thank you!
My legs!
( audience groaning )
Thank you!
( giggling ): Thank you.
( yelps )
Hey, Squidward, listen, what do you think?
When I mop,
should I go forward and back?
No, no, wait... side to side.
( crash )
And now, poetry...
by... Gary.
( clears throat )
( meowing )
( sighs dreamily )
He has such a way with words.
( meowing slowly )
Come on, come on, Ginsberg.
If he doesn't hurry it up,
we're not going to have enough time for the best act... me!
Squidward, should I use Mr. Cleanser or Dr. Clean?
Yes.
( applause )
I, the amazing Plankton,
with the use of prestidigitation,
will make a Krabby Patty disappear before your very eyes.
First, I'll need a volunteer from the audience.
Nice try.
Your act's over, bub.
You may win this time.
Shee-ah kazing!
Well, this stinks.
( audience booing )
AUDIENCE: Get out! Get off the stage!
Squidward!
This show is a disaster!
You're ruining me!
Now, now, don't you worry, Mr. Krabs.
l've saved the best for last... you'll see.
For your sake, I hope you're right.
SQUIDWARD: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've all been waiting for.
We've saved the best for last.
Put your hands together for the incomparable Squidward!
( applause, horns playing dramatic fanfare )
( light orchestral melody playing )
( bird chirping )
( rhythmic squelching )
( hard-driving synthesized music playing )
( gurgling )
What the...?
( babbling rhythmically )
( audience booing )
I'm losing money on this deal.
It's worth every penny.
( booing )
You bottom feeders!
You don't even know talent!
AUDIENCE ( chanting ): No talent! No talent! No talent! No talent!
Hey, Squidward, can I go on now?
Yeah, show's over.
( booing continues )
( booing stops )
Hey, yeah!
That's really not too bad.
I like that.
All right!
( cheering and applause )
( cheering and applause stops )
( loud cheering and applause )
They want an encore.
Stand aside, SpongeBob.
( loud cheering )
( cheering stops )
( groaning )
( loud cheering and applause )
( cheering stops )
( cheering )
( cheering stops )
( cheering )
( cheering stops )
( cheering )
( cheering stops )
( cheering )
You did it, Squidward!
What a great show!
Oh, my son's a star.
Who ever knew he had such talent?
I'll be needing another wheelbarrow
for next week's show!
( groans )
( audience cheering )
( camera shutters clicking )